Today is a sad day. Jared and Lynn left, leaving behind memories of an incredible year. But I will go on about that another day. I have a few minutes to tell about today's triumph(s). After a year of neglect, I am finally saying no. Today is my first day. I have said no so many times that I cannot count them, yet each one is a remarkable and difficult event.
You see up until now (this year), I have allowed sugar to be my drug. Like meth or heroin, I must have it, the consequences are pushed from my mind as I scrounge for it. I place it in my mouth like an addict into the vein. The effects come after many milligrams of the substance. I continue to push it in until I fall over in delight. Then, somewhere in the next hour, the ill feelings begin--jitters, lack of ability to focus, disgust for what I have done, need for a salty snack, lack of energy--the signs of overdose. No narcan is available and I must suffer withdrawl alone, embarrassed and self-loathing. Upon regaining my senses a half a day later, I am tickled with thoughts of chocolate, lemon or other lovely things. The scrounging begins yet again, and I am left berelft of sane thought except, of course, of SUGAR.
Today, without a straight jacket, without a therapist, without intervention of any kind aside from within, I faced withdrawl with determination. My hand caught me on the way down many times as I hallucinated. I saw myself with a cookie in my mouth, a piece of piano candy, a bowl of brownie batter, swirling together in colorful screaming and reaching. But "no", with a raised hand, cut through the episode and vaporized the visions. Still locked into the physical need for the rush of a sugar high, I press ahead to find a diversion.
This is the horror of my first day in recovery. The single "yes" consisted of two tablespoons of leftover FHE mint ice cream. I feel like bedtime is months away. But I think I can make it now. As I sit here typing, an empty can of olives sits laughing at me. The lid is connected and is jiggling enough to make it giggle. I swear. I will write you as my symptoms abate and I can join society without attacking every buffet that happens by.
Isaac made a salad today. It is a start. Another start.
8 years ago
3 comments:
way to go mom. you can do it. i know you can. every healthy meal we eat is one last un-healthy one.
you can totally do it, mom. keep your chin up!
Thanks so much Mirs. I did make it to bedtime and now am going to sleep! I can't believe how much better I feel (not emotionally nor psycologically, just physically) when I am not full of sugar. Nothing tastes as good as feeling yourself, with balanced glucose and confidence. So--"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it."
You can do it Mama! No one in this world is as determined as you are, I know that for a fact! Love you!!
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